Ask me about my killer pecs.

Ow. I think we overdid it.

Atalanta and I have had a fruitful couple of days (me especially). Because she is pretty much the all-time best person to dress other people, I let her convince me that I needed a couple of power suits for interviews. I was so excited about how good these look that it’s taken me a full day and a half to start thinking about taking them back. They are fantastico, especially the flip on the brown skirt. Atalanta will probably have a more in-depth post later today. Now I just need to get me some interviews.

Yesterday, we went to the gym (!), where we tried out most of the machines in the weight room (this may have been a mistake) and ran for a while – well, Atalanta ran, and I went back to the other room to see what machines we’d missed. We both left kind of shakily, knowing that we’d be hurting in a day or so, but feeling good about it. Then we shoveled out half the driveway at Highland and had lunch with Ganglebot, Ivanovich, and Art Teacher to celebrate and to plan for limericks, which AT had never written before. It was a spectacularly filthy night! Everyone at the table – me, Atalanta, AT (whose limerick chain detailed Ganglebot’s unfortunate Mall of America bathroom toilet paper/crayon box mishap - look for it on Atalanta's blog), Gangles, D33p, and D33p’s friend New York Times (who both rhymed herpetic with pathetic and used the word nary!) – had moments of true disgustingness, but Ganglebot swept the votes with one of the funniest limericks I’ve ever heard:

Shit monkey cock ballsack dong
Vagina fart penis so long!
Anus poop pussy lick
Sperm big baboon dick
Scrotum balls hairy taint donkey schlong.

The exclamation point truly makes it. I could hardly breathe for laughing. And then there was the Hangman (WHY DOES MY PUSSY ITCH SO MUCH; BECAUSE OF THE SYPHILIS; I CAN'T STOP SHITTING BLOOD; "the culprit revealed": ACCORDING TO THE SEMEN SAMPLES, KUYPER RAPED THE DEER; "why I can’t come to workshop": AN ATTACK OF THE SHARTS; "geek love": MY HEART BELONGS TO ZAXXON; "why I missed you opening your Christmas presents": I'M SORRY, I WAS BUSY RAPING YOUR SISTER).

Other notables (I know I'm missing some, but :

Mad Dog’s voicemail:

There once was a young Greek who flew
With wax wings and a wax cock, too.
Near the sun soared Icarus,
But it melted his dickarus –
What good are wings if you can’t screw?

Ganglebot, again with the exclamation points:

One day Chris realized his dreams
And got a Prince Albert – it gleams!
But with a cock pierced in twain,
It caused a great deal of pain,
And now his pee comes out in two streams.

D33p’s wildlife duo and a trio of others:

Deep into the whisky I get in fear
Of sodomy at the hands of a deer
They screech and they buck
And with antlers they fuck
My cornhole like garden shears.

My taint was all that was left
When the deer found my anal cleft
Yes, I was ripped asunder
By that cock of thunder
And felt his ballsack’s mighty heft.

Chad’s goatee can’t be parted
Why don’t you finish what you started
And grow that shit out
Then there’ll be no doubt
That you are fucking retarded.

Whenever Chad Ku**er calls
I’m driven to eat reuben balls
Liz’s toilet I will clog
With my massive log
If I don’t explode in the hall.

Deep in the caverns of Jean
I washed my cock clean
She named it Grover
Then she rolled over
and I made her anus gleam.

I had a nifty quartet myself, along with a poop chain:

Every time that our friend Chris
Realizes that he needs a piss
He has to take out
The plug from his spout
That was messed up during his briss.

For his going- away present, Jeff
Begged Darren to imitate Sheff.
Jeff found Sheff quite exciting
And rather inviting
Balled him till there was nothing left.

To bring up multiple orgasms
In a lim'rick is to open up chasms
Fights twixt women and men
But the girls falter when
They're distracted by ongoing spasms.

She told him that she could wear white.
He found the truth out on their wedding night.
He cried, "You're a hoor!"
She replied, "No, I'm pure!
Your brothers and dad don't count, right?"


I felt I was out of the loop
With the combo of sexy and poop.
Still, I felt I should try it
But wanted no disease by it,
So I boiled it and smeared him with goop.

I looked at him, lying there with my feces
All stuck in his chest hair and creases.
When he started to drool,
I just lost my cool.
I ran - left him naked and greasy.

I felt kind of bad after that.
I returned to him on whom I'd shat -
or is it shitten?
Anyway, I was smitten
To see him wearing my poo as a hat.

Got a vote from Gangles with the "shitten" line. Ah, conjugation.

Atalanta’s limericks also featured disturbing linguistic shenanigans:

I’ve got it real good for a man who speaks Spanish,
but I hear the guy’s hung like a radish.
Still, with pene pequeño,
sexto esta muy, muy bueno;
we fuck and then smoke a big bowl of hashish.

Even though I’m a girl, my limericks are startling.
Fuck you! I’ll write about pussies and pussy farting,
I’ll write ‘bout your Johnson, your schlong,
What I did to your dad, to your mom,
To your dog, too, while he was bleeding and barking.

I’ve asked him, but Chris won’t show me his wiener,
Perhaps because it’s attached with a carabineer.
Look, the guy’s dick is real thin,
But I dream of pulling the pin,
Then he’d just have some balls, and I could use it in my vageener.

Honestly, Atalanta, vageener? Where do you get such words?

And tonight, we bought rugs at Pier One, went grocery shopping, and made some mushroom risotto at Highland (molto delizioso!). I feel like I’ve been on a three-day date – not sure what I’m expected to do at this point. I can’t just shake Atalanta’s hand and go home.

Don’t worry, (Don’t Call Me) Tina; whatever happens, we’ll clean up after. Probably lots of Family Guy and card-making. But thanks to our weight-room spree, whatever we do, it'll hurt (so good) - it even hurts to blog. The end.